It Ain't What you Feel, it's the Way that you Feel It

He Goes:

A funny thing I've noticed about some swing-dance teachers (not all, by a long shot, but a surprising amount) is a belief that ballroom dance holds are 1) rather chaste, and 2) make leading difficult. Most pure ballroom dances are a fair bit older than lindy-hop, of course, and the formal dress, rigid holds, and generally higher age of the dancers can give them a bit of a staid look.

But this is all smoke and mirrors. There's no clear air between the slow waltz hold and the balboa hold - which by a curious coincidence is exactly the amount of clear air between the dancers. A waltzer leads with his core, not in the way that a good lindy-hopper leads with his core, but literally - the couple are pretty much glued together between the groin and the solar plexus, so there is no way that he can move forward without his partner moving backwards. Most waltz leads don't involve the arms at all. I have danced with a few follows in class who felt a little nervous about close hold who would probably want to climb out of their skin if they had to take a "genteel" waltz. It is an interesting facet of lindy hop that for all that it can be a pretty hot dance, the basic holds are rather innocent compared to other dance styles. Which makes it all the more mortifying when something goes wrong.

I learned a move at a class last week that I suspect I will never use on the social floor. Not because it's particularly complicated or dangerous, not even because I'm super forgetful about moves - all of my normal excuses - but because approximately half of the time I did it, I ended up with a hand on my partner-of-the-moment's bum. This is pretty much a dance-killer for me - none of my follows complained, but I was busier concentrating on apologising than I was on leading. There isn't a properly nuanced word for the emotion felt at such a moment, the feeling of embarrassment over an accidental bad touch that would be enjoyable if intended by both people involved or horrible if enacted by one partner against the other's wishes. I was properly mortified.

There are some fairly common moves where the chances of inappropriate touching are high - almost any move in which an open position ends up in a closed one seems to be risky. A lot of my brainpower when leading lindy turns seems to go into preventing inexperienced follows from clotheslining their chests against my arm. Obviously I don't avoid swinging out because of the risk - that would be mad! - but it does worry me, and on those occasions when I'm guilty of social dance lecturing it's almost always that exact point about swing-outs.

Now that I've given the impression that I'm terrified of physical contact, let me refute that idea: I'm pretty cool with it. I generally enjoy the physicality of dance. But you only have to listen to one or two follows to know that there are some leads who enjoy the physicality more than the dance, and who seem to be oblivious to any subtle hints that they are out of bounds. While learning the back-charleston once, a friend of mine told me that one of the other leads was pretty much resting his chest on her back, despite her attempts to edge forwards.

So perhaps I spend too much time worrying about accidental inappropriate touches, but the alternative is pretty ghastly. The simple fact is that lindy is a very active dance, with a lot of changes between one hold and another, and every time a hold changes there is the possibility of an accident. A mistake won't happen every time, and not all mistakes are of the inappropriate touch type, but they will happen. If, as a lead, you feel a little embarrassed, make your apologies and try to dance it away. If you're feeling a little mortified it just shows that your moral compass is still pointed the right way. If you're not, shame on you!

(and follows, statistics are your friend - As I said: "a mistake won't happen every time, and not all mistakes are of the inappropriate touch type" - if they do happen every time, and all the mistakes are of that type, dump that lead already!)

it's a meme, offence should not be taken!

 

She Goes:

-->

Dancing, for some, can be a sex substitute. It’s fun, you only do it when you want to, you get out of breath, hot, sweaty and after a good session you feel really good.  However, (and this is mainly follows here), sometimes you get touched in a way that maybe you’re not entirely comfortable with… Maybe you’re not used to doing it that way, you’ve never tried it or you just don’t like it!

Yes, I’m talking about inappropriate touching. And it does happen! And I'm wondering if those leads who are repeat offenders in this case are entirely dependent on dancing for their physical contact requirements. (Incidentally I’d be interested to hear of any inappropriate touching that leads have experienced.)

Body contact is inevitable in dancing. If you don’t want any of that then perhaps you could consider another hobby, like chess. Some dances can feel more invasive than others, like salsa for example. Don’t get me wrong, I loved salsa when I did it for a few months, and I certainly learnt a lot from it in terms of actually allowing myself to be lead, but what I couldn’t get over was the proximity of my dance partners. It’s pretty up close and personal, and I was not overly keen on having a strange mans thigh between mine in that manner! That does not mean that any lead dancing salsa will be getting all up in your business, follows, but I can be a bit of a stickler for personal space in certain situations.

Tandem Charleston. It’s a super cool move, fun and one of the moves I most wanted to learn once I started social dancing. But what can spoil it for me sometimes is the upright lead- because I learnt this move looks best when you get down…. Can you see where I’m going with this? I’m bend knee-d, doing my thing, and my lead isn’t…and it feels like I’m getting down…on them. Crotch and ass contact. Yep. But at least you can't see me laughing as I'm facing away! If i can feel your breath on my neck I know you're doing what I'm doing and we're looking awesome.

Tuck turns and swing outs can also lead to unexpected bad touches. It can be a combination of poor timing/hand on back placement on the leads part, or not moving quick enough on the follows.  But boob touching happens. Mostly just side boob, but boob nonetheless. It happens! 

Normally rare, I once danced with a guy who touched my boob EVERY FREAKING TIME!! I couldn’t believe it! And it’s such a shame too because he was a kick ass lead. I didn’t say anything to him out of shock and embarrassment- I even had more than one dance with him because I was hoping it was some sort of accident, maybe he wasn’t on point that night. However, after two different social events and a few dances it was still happening. (And he’d just come and ask out of nowhere so I couldn’t give a suitably diplomatic turn down when he asked to dance because I’d be caught unawares)… It was very distressing. As a confident follow and female in general I felt soiled and disheartened. *frown* If I see him now I actually make sure I’m too busy dancing and avoid eye contact. I’m too embarrassed to have that conversation with him. Fortunately I haven’t seen him for some time now... but that doesn’t mean I won't again.

On the other side of that coin, a lead I frequently dance with once accidentally stroked my boob (it was a leisurely paced song) and he looked so apologetic and mortified, bless him, that i spent the rest of the dance laughing hysterically! Still dancing, but laughing so hard my eyes were streaming! After he was done looking uncomfortable he was laughing too. Proof that it doesn't always have to be awkward! (Thinking about his facial expression still makes me chuckle!)

Touching happens. Generally I have no problem with it; it’s normally an accident and if an immediate apology isn’t issued, I will pretend nothing’s wrong. (I think I find it easier to deal with non-facing touches so you can’t see me cringing or laughing!) Nearly all leads are very aware of what’s appropriate and what’s not, but that area of the body that isn’t back and mostly side can be a bit of a grey area. I would suggest avoiding it altogether leads, and ensure your fingertips are on your follows back at all times to reduce the risk of boob. And, if you do cop a feel, acknowledge it with an 'oops, sorry' and get on with your life. Keep your morals front and centre- after all, you don't want to be known as the Bad Touch Guy.